30 Ways to Get Edward Elric to Blow Up
by ShadowLightningAlchemist
Summary: Title says it all. Rated T for Ed's language!
1. Chapter 1

**-I own nothing**

1. Cut his braid off.

"Hey Al…" Ed trailed off moving his head from side to side, you raise an eyebrow from where you are sitting across from the boys.

"Yes brother?" Al said looking at him with confusion.

"Look at the back of my head… something feels wrong, my head feels lighter somehow" You begin to snicker, trying not to let them hear you.

"What the hell is so funny [Your Name]?" Ed demanded, you shook your head, long [hair color] locks flying around your face.

"Nothing Edward" You snicker.

"uh brother… your hair…" Al couldn't process what he was seeing; Ed slowly felt the back of his head.

"What the hell happened to my hair?!" he yelled, and you burst into full blown laughter.

"Are you looking for this Edo?" you wave his braid around in the air, scissors glinting in your other hand, and then hightail it out of there, cackling mirthfully with a pissed pipsqueak hot on your heels.


	2. Chapter 2

**-I own nothing**

2. Give Alphonse a basket of kittens.

"Hey Al…" you shifted the moving basket in your arms.

"Yeah [Your Name]?" Al eyed the basket warily, you grinned.

"These are for you" you took off the top of the basket.

"THANK YOU!" Al picked you up in a crushing hug when he saw the kittens in the basket.

"Just don't tell Ed" you put a finger to your lips.

"Don't tell Ed what?" you 'meeped' and turned around to see Ed.

"Well…umm…you see…ah… Winry don't try to hit Ed with that!" you yelled pointing behind him.

"What?!" he quickly turned to see… nothing, when he turned back around you were gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**-I own nothing this one was harder to do… I really didn't have any ideas for it.**

3. Send your restaurant bills to Ed all the time.

Al where the hell did this bill come from?" Ed asked eyeing the bill in his hand.

"Well… you see… I'm not supposed to tell you or [Your Name] will make me rust" Al ducks.

"[YOUR NAME]!" Ed screamed.

*somewhere else*

You ducked as you heard the crazy scream.

"Al is in for a world of pain" you giggle.


	4. Chapter 4

**-I own nothing **

4. Tell him repeatedly that he has to drink his milk to grow into a "big boy."

"Edward!" you say standing over the blonde who is sitting at your table stuffing his face once again.

"Wgat?" (What?) he muttered through his mouthful of food.

"You need to drink your milk to grow into a big boy!" you informed the boy.

"What did you say?" Ed said dangerously after swallowing.

"I said-"you were cut off as he leapt forward to be held back by Al.

"LEMME GO AL THIS FREAK NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON" again you laugh as Ed works himself into a frenzy.


	5. Chapter 5

**-I own nothing **

5. Sing "Butterfly" at the top of your lungs at all hours of the day.

"BUTTERFLY~" you sing once again, from your vantage point on one of the highest branches of an old oak tree you can see everything below.

"Butterfly~ OH MY GOD IT'S THE RETURN OF THE GIGANT THROBBING TICK MARK" you shriek pointing at Ed.

"Oh screw it all" he groaned.


	6. Chapter 6

**-I own nothing **

6. Poke him over and over.

_Pokepokepokepokepoke_

"Dammit [Your Name] cut it out" Ed growled, his eyebrow twitching ever-so-slightly.

"Why Edo? It's fun!" you smile and resume poking the blonde boy.

_Pokepokepokepokepokepoke_

"Uh… [Your Name]? it's getting hard to hold him" you look up to see Al holding Ed away from you so that you wouldn't be hurt.

"Thanks Al!" you chirp before walking away.


	7. Chapter 7

**-I own nothing **

7. Pretend to be drunk and cling onto him.

He'd had enough that was it.

Ed's eyebrow twitched visibly as you cling to him, wobbling on your feet.

"She's underage isn't she Al? Then why was she drinking?" Al shrugged.

"I don't know brother"

And to this day… Ed does not know you were faking it.


	8. Chapter 8

**-I own nothing **

8. Pop out of nowhere and tackle him.

"Hey [Your Name] have you seen- Gah!" Ed yelped as you appeared from nowhere and tackled him.

"No I don't know where Al is" you hopped up and left him on the floor.

"Why do I put up with her?" Ed grumbled, brushing himself off and walking out.


	9. Chapter 9

**-I own nothing **

9. Compose a poem on the life of leeches and make Ed read it. Then tell him it was published worldwide last week- in his name.

"Do you like it?" you leaned over Ed's shoulder as he read the poem on the life leeches you had written.

"No" he said bluntly, you shrug.

"Alright but it was published worldwide last week" Ed looked up.

"Really?" You nod.

"In your name" you add as you leave the room.


	10. Chapter 10

**-I own nothing **

10. Stare at him nonstop, wide-eyed.

"Cut it out!" Ed snapped at you.

"Cut what out?" you ask innocently enough as you continue to stare at him wide-eyed.

"That!" he pointed at your face.

"What?" You swing your head around.

"Never mind" He mumbled, as you resume your staring.


	11. Chapter 11

**-I own nothing **

11. Yawn around him, loudly. And again. And again, and again, and again…

You yawned once again as you sat next to Ed on the train

"Dammit [Your Name]! Cut it out!" Ed yelled.

"What the hell is with you and telling me to cut something out? God, no matter what I do you're always pissed at me!" you yell in a sudden outburst. Ed seems quite shocked with you colorful language.

"If you'd stop being so damn annoying I wouldn't yell at you" he retorted.

"Edward! Your temper is as short as you-" you cut yourself off as you yawned once again.

"You're doing it again!" Ed yelled, you merely sighed and turned to face the window.


	12. Chapter 12

**-I own nothing **

12. Dance around in tap shoes, cosplaying as Ed.  
_Tiptaptiptap_

"I'm gonna kill her Al" Ed muttered in a dark voice as you continued to dance around him, dressed exactly like him.

"Brother please-" Al moved in to restrain his brother.

"Pin his arms down will ya Al?" you asked, he did as he was told, and you reached up and kissed Ed's cheek, before scampering away.


	13. Chapter 13

**-I own nothing **

13. Tell Winry Ed's messed up his automail again.

"Winnnnnry!" you call, walking into her room.

"What is it[Your Name]?" You and Winry get along very well.

"He didn't want me to tell you… but Ed messed up his automail again… I know how hard you work on his automail and I thought you should know" you quickly leave the room and find a place to hide.

"EDWARD ELRIC!"


	14. Chapter 14

**-I own nothing **

14. Give him a mohawk at night.

"Pahaha oh God" you burst out when Ed walked into the dining room, even Al was stifling his giggles.

"What?" Ed asks, slightly annoyed.

"Your (laugh) hair (laugh) is (laugh) so (laugh) punk" you respond.

"Goddammit [Your Name]!"


	15. Chapter 15

**-I own nothing **

15. Sell him on E-bay, and set it up so that the money goes to him; effectively, he'd sold himself.

"[Your Name], were the hell did all this money come from?" you furrow your brow pretending like you were actually thinking.

"Oh yeah!" you snap your fingers "you sold yourself of E-bay, someone payed a lotta money for you Edo-Kun!"

"Why do I put up with you?" Ed groaned.


	16. Chapter 16

**-I own nothing **

16. Every time he says something, reply with, 'It is not logical.'

"Hey Al, why don't we go out and spar for a while?" Ed asks, before Al can say anything you jump in.

"It is not logical" you snap, pulling on his (short) braid.

"Why is it not logical?" he asks with a sullen tone.

"ED THAT'S STUPID… and not logical"


	17. Chapter 17

**-I own nothing **

17. Convince Alphonse Ed's shrinking.

"Why don't you believe me Al?" you pout as Al stares warily at you.

"Because you're crazy sometimes" he says quietly.

"This is true… but Ed's really shrinking! I asked Winry and she said he's lost at least an inch since last time he was over there."

"Who's lost an inch?" Ed's murderous voice sounded behind you.

"Brother! It's really true! You're shrinking just like Colonel Mustang said you would." Al ran over to his fuming brother.

"Maybe he should drink his milk" you winked.


	18. Chapter 18

**Okay! If anyone can tell me what video game reference is in this drabble will get the sequal of this series dedicated to them!  
-I own nothing **

18. Over-grease his automail leg.

"Why is it so slippery in here Al?" Ed yelped sliding across the floor.

"It's not…" Al trailed off slowly.

"Then why am I sliding around?" he said hanging onto a chair.

"It's a secret to everyone!" you smile.


	19. Chapter 19

**-I own nothing **

19. Set up a trap so that Jell-O spills on him when he wakes in the morning.

"Al! hide me!" you yelp, bursting into his room.

"Huh?" you quickly climbed into Al's armor, Ed burst into the room five seconds later covered in Jell-O.

"Al! where's [Your Name]?" Ed demanded.

"I-uh-don't-um-know… what happened?" He stuttered.

"The little bitch made a trap when I woke up this stuff spilled all over me!" he yelled before stomping off to find you.

"Thanks Al" you climbed out of his armor and quickly found a new place to hide.


	20. Chapter 20

**-I own nothing **

20. Run circles around him for no reason, screaming at the top of your lungs.

"AHHHHHH" you shrieked running in circles, Ed merely twitched slightly, it seems he's getting used to you… well that no fun.

Al's looking at you like you're… weird, yes weird well go with that.


	21. Chapter 21

**-I own nothing **

21. Paint pictures of flowers and kitties and suns and stuff all over Al's armor. Then blame Ed.

"All done!" you beam wiping your hand across your face before hiding all the evidence.

"Ed!" you yell "Why'd you paint all over Al's armor?!"

"I didn't do nothn!" he yelled back, not missing a beat.


	22. Chapter 22

**-I own nothing **

22. Tell Hughes that Ed wants to know more about his life and family.

"Maes!" you beam.

"What can I do for you Colonel [Your Name]?" you giggle.

"No need to be so formal Maes… well Ed and I were talking and he said he wants to know more about your life and family, but he's too shy to ask" Maes lit up and immediately ran to Ed.


	23. Chapter 23

**-I own nothing **

23. Forget that; tell Hughes Ed wants to know where babies come from!

You suddenly leaned over and whispered to Maes, stopped in mid gush about Elicia to take on a serious face.

"So Ed… you finally think you're old enough to know where babies come from huh?" you wave without looking back or you would've seen the evil look Ed gave you.

"Toodles"


	24. Chapter 24

**-I own nothing **

24. Once Hughes has had his fun explaining, ask Ed, "Where do babies come from?"

Ed stomped over to you… his face a new hue of red.

"hey Ed" you drawl lazily from your seat in a tall oak tree (What's with you and climbing trees?!)

"So [Your Name]…" Ed trailed off.

"So Ed… where _do_ babies come from?" you laugh at this flustered expression.


	25. Chapter 25

**-I own nothing **

25. Speak only in French.

You walk sleepily into the living room to hear Ed once again going off about something you did.

"_Tais-toi imbecile!" _you yell whacking him over the head with your fist.

"What'd I do?" he yelped.

"_Je dormais" _you respond rubbing your eyes with your fists.

"What?" he asked yet again.

"_garçon stupide" _you walk off with that.

"What'd she say Al?" Al shrugged.

KEY!

Tais-toi imbecile- Shut up you idiot.

Je dormais- I was sleeping

garçon stupide- foolish boy


	26. Chapter 26

**-I own nothing **

26. Smack him with a rubber chicken.

"Why's [Your Name] being so quiet?" Ed asked softly.

"She's asleep" Al replied.

"No I'm not~" you sing before smacking Ed with your rubber chicken and running like hell.


	27. Chapter 27

**-I own nothing **

27. Sing the Waffles Song nonstop.

"DO YOU LIKE WAFFLES YEAH WE LIKE WAFFLES, DO YOU LIKE PANCAKES YES WE LIKE PANCAKES DO YOU LIKE FRENCH TOAST YEAH WE LIKE FRENCH TOAST DO DO DO CAN'T WAIT TO GET A MOUTHFUL! DO YOU LI-MFH" you licked Ed's hand childishly and he pulled back.

"You freak!" he yelled.

"Thank you" you give a low sweeping bow.


	28. Chapter 28

28. Burst a set of balloons over his head when he's sleeping. Make sure one or two are water balloons.

_3-2-1 POW SPLOOSH _.

Ed choked as he suddenly sat up looking around for the one who popped balloons by him.

"[YOUR NAME]"


	29. Chapter 29

29. Get Al a cat. Tell Ed he has been out-voted, and Al may keep it.

"ALLLL~" you sing walking in holding a small white cat.

"Yes [Your Name]?" he asked as he walked in.

"I got you a cat!" you handed him the small kitten.

"Who said you could get him a cat?" Ed grinded out.

"You've been out-voted Ed, Al may keep the cat" you stated.


	30. Chapter 30

***sob* goodbye 30 Ways to Get Edward Elric to Blow Up… but there is going to be a sequel posted ASAP!**

**-I own nothing **

30. The classic- call him SHORT!

"EDO-KUN~" you sing walking down the stairs.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" he yelled.

"You're short!" you squeal.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE THINKS THE RIDGES IN YOUR FINGERTIPS ARE VALLYS?" Ed screams, you flick his forehead.

"You"


End file.
